Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A Letter To My Dentist

To My Esteemed Oral Health Professional:

Do you honestly like your job? Does inflicting pain and suffering on all do it for you? Bad breath, plaque, gingivitis, overall decay...does it ever get you down? And what about the fact that most of the world just generally hates those in your profession?

Do you like your job? Love it? Look forward to going into the office daily? Honestly. I wonder if you rise in the morning thinking, oh, YES! I have 6 cavities to fill, 2 crowns and oh awesome days of all, a root canal. Do you ever get sad from the fact that people dread seeing you?

I want you to know I really hate having work done on my teeth. It makes my jaw sore and the sound of the drill just about sends me through the roof. The smells, the cold water you splash on my ultra hot/cold sensitive teeth, the sucking apparatus you shove in my mouth and then completely miss the snotty mass collecting near my throat. Yeah, these are the good times I love at your office.

Sadly enough, I am quite familiar with the shrill squeal of the drill, as I have a mouth full of silver. I swear, I am genetically predisposed to cavities and rotting teeth. My mother and father both have partial dentures. Seriously. And I think they got them when they were fairly young. Come to think of it, my grandparents all had partials too....with the exception of my dad's mom. (OH MY GOD...that is my destiny.)

You need to know that questioning me about my flossing behaviors while your hands are in my fully numb mouth with drill in your hand is ludicrous. Uh, like I can honestly answer with more than a grunt. It completely keeps me from being able to explain how I really am trying to do better and that I'm actually flossing once or twice a week. Heck, I even tried the Listerine in your bathroom. (and by the way....it's nasty stuff)

Ok, you should also know that I wanted to vomit and reply, "f*&k no" to your question of, "would you like to see some motivation for flossing better?" (referring to the hole you'd just drilled into my tooth). Sick...I'm still reeling from this question. Like. Totally. Gross.

Finally Mr. Oral Health Professional, you should know that unless you say I have to have a procedure completed, I'm never going to volunteer for it. No matter what. End of story. See you in February for my next teeth cleaning.


hearthead said...

You just need a more handsome dentist. Sorry, the doughnuts were long gone on Sunday! I have got to go do my homework now :(

Whimsy said...

Just thinking about the dentist gives me the willies. Yikes.

Ruth said...

I haven't been to the dentist in years. I know, I know. I was so traumatized by the dentist as a kid that I never, ever want to go back. Amazingly I didn't have any trouble with my teeth until earlier this year -- I suspect I have a cavity in one of my lower molars. Which means I'll be heading to the dentist to be tortured (er, treated) sometime soon... I'm so excited.

Scrappingoddess said...

Janelle, You CRACK me UP!!! Not only can I totally relate I can completely envision your day! You are a hilarious writer.